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you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
