omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
