I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
