apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
