Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
