I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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