bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
