9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Randomize
