Your face is a jimmy john
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
