My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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