I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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