that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
there is puke in my bra ... again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
