I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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