is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
