I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
