Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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