im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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