chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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