I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
my poor anus
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
