Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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