Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
