matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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