Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am spending my child support on dildos
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
