My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
