I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
