Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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