your parents love me but you hate me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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