Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
