a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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