I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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