and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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