just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We left the knife in your bed.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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