We won't sleep together?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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