I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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