All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
