My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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