how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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