The maid of honor just puked.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
