dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
