Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
These tits shall not be calmed
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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