I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
