i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
nutella sex= disaster
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
