When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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