You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
