Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
