I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
