i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just had sex bonerless
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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