when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
