i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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