so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
